第十九章（第9/9页）

That's why I don't like to start thinking about you actually. It only tortures me, and does you no good. I don't want you to be away from me. But if I start fretting it wastes something. Patience, always patience. This is my fortieth winter. And I can't help all the winters that have been. But this winter I'll stick to my little Pentecost flame, and have some peace. And I won't let the breath of people blow it out. I believe in a higher mystery, that doesn't let even the crocus be blown out. And if you're in Scotland and I'm in the Midlands, and I can't put my arms round you, and wrap my legs round you, yet I've got something of you. My soul softly Naps in the little Pentecost flame with you, like the peace of fucking. We fucked a flame into being. Even the flowers are fucked into being between the sun and the earth. But it's a delicate thing, and takes patience and the long pause.

而这正是我不愿对你魂牵梦绕的原因。那只会让我痛苦不堪，对你也毫无裨益。我不想与你天各一方。但若我因此开始焦虑，那也只是徒劳。忍耐，坚定不移地忍耐。我已经迎来生命中的第40个冬天。以往的冬季都在蹉跎中度过。但这个冬天，我会坚守着这股圣灵降临的小小火焰，享受着内心的寂静。我不会任由世人的鼻息将它吹灭。我相信更高的神秘存在，它能庇佑心灵之花安然无恙。即便你远在苏格兰，而我却留在英格兰中部，无法将你拥在怀里，无法把你绕在腿间，但你却永驻于我心间。在圣灵降临的小小火焰中，我的灵魂与你温柔共憩，享受着堪比性爱的平和。我们的性爱赋予爱火以生命。而太阳与大地的交合则孕育出千娇百媚的花朵。但这恰巧是件微妙的事情，需要耐心及长久的等待。

So I love chastity now, because it is the peace that comes of fucking. I love being chaste now. I love it as snowdrops love the snow. I love this chastity, which is the pause of peace of our fucking, between us now like a snowdrop of forked white fire. And when the real spring comes, when the drawing together comes, then we can fuck the little flame brilliant and yellow, brilliant. But not now, not yet! Now is the time to be chaste, it is so good to be chaste, like a river of cool water in my soul. I love the chastity now that it flows between us. It is like fresh water and rain. How can men want wearisomely to philander. What a misery to be like Don Juan, and impotent ever to fuck oneself into peace, and the little flame alight, impotent and unable to be chaste in the cool betweenwhiles, as by a river.

如今，我已习惯禁欲，因为那是性爱的激情散去后，留驻在心间的平静。如今的我乐得坚守忠贞。我对它的喜爱，堪比雪花对雪的依恋。我对忠贞充满爱意，这是我们性爱间歇期的平和状态，就像你我之间永不熄灭的纯洁爱火，如同雪花那般娇艳。当春意洒遍大地，当你我得以重聚，我们便可再度享受到性爱的乐趣，将这小小的爱火燃得更加光辉灿烂。可现在还不是时候，春天还没有到来！现在是守贞的时刻，能够享受短暂的禁欲时光实在美妙，就像清凉的河水流过我的心田。我热爱贞洁，它如今就流淌于你我之间。就如同淡水与雨水。男人玩弄女性的行径多么丑陋。像唐璜（注：西班牙传奇中的浪荡子）那样实在可悲，无法在性爱过后，安享心灵的寂静；无法在体验过熊熊爱火之后，品味守贞的清凉余暇，就像停驻在水流湍急的河边。

Well, so many words, because I can't touch you. If I could sleep with my arms round you, the ink could stay in the bottle. We could be chaste together just as we can fuck together. But we have to be separate for a while, and I suppose it is really the wiser way. If only one were sure.

哦，不觉已是滔滔千言，只因我无法触碰到你。如果我能够拥你在怀，同入梦乡，墨水就可以安然留在瓶中。我们能够共守贞洁，就如同我们能够共享性爱一般。但我们不得不暂时分别，而这似乎也是更明智的选择。只要彼此能够坚守信念。

Never mind, never mind, we won't get worked up. We really trust in the little flame, and in the unnamed god that shields it from being blown out. There's so much of you here with me, really, that it's a pity you aren't all here.

没关系，没关系，我们都不必烦忧。只要坚信那小小的爱火能得到那无名神祗的庇佑而永不熄灭。我的心中总能幻化出无数你的影像，但在现实世界，你却不在我的身边，这实在是件憾事。

Never mind about Sir Clifford. If you don't hear anything from him, never mind. He can't really do anything to you. Wait, he will want to get rid of you at last, to cast you out. And if he doesn't, we'll manage to keep clear of him. But he will. In the end he will want to spew you out as the abominable thing.

不用在意克利福德爵士。如果你并未听闻他的消息，那就无需着急。他并不会伤害于你。耐心等待，他终要将你摆脱，把你抛弃。如果他不那样做，我们也有办法远离他的纠缠。但他会想清楚的。最终，他会把你从脏腑中吐出，像摆脱某种可恶的东西。

Now I can't even leave off writing to you.

现在，我甚至已经写到无法停笔。

But a great deal of us is together, and we can but abide by it, and steer our courses to meet soon. John Thomas says goodnight to Lady Jane, a little droopingly, but with a hopeful heart.

但我们的心始终连在一起，只要坚持到底，彼此命运的航路便会很快再度交汇。约翰·托马斯跟简夫人道晚安，虽然他有点情绪低落地垂着头，但心中却满怀希望。